The Person I've Become

Deep thoughts on my Thursday. I've spent the day lazing my p.j.s and nursing a sick child back to health. Days like today give me time to think. I guess you could say this post will be my tell all. I want to talk about where I am in all of this, and the person that I have become.

First and foremost, I feel that I have become an advocate. I have always been passionate about things that are close to my heart. When I latch onto something I grasp it and hold on as tightly as possible. I have learned how to advocate for others. I have learned to advocate for my children. I know that in some ways I am still getting my toes wet. Often times, I have to step back from the situation before I let my temper get the better of me. I am learning.

Secondly, I have found that I have mostly completed the grieving process that comes with a major diagnosis. I still have my days. Things still sting from time to time. I don't know that this is ever something you completely come to terms with. I think I have just learned how to adjust my life and my way of thinking.

I think that I am more compassionate to those in similar situations. The unfortunate side to this is that I am sometimes bitter to people with typically developing  children. I am learning to let things slide. Everything for me seems to be a learning curve.

Next, the hard stuff. Emotionally, I am still sensitive. Random things set me off. I never know when or what it will be. It usually comes at me through the dark. I sometimes cry at night, in bathroom stalls at Walmart, in my car...just wherever it happens. Sometimes it is hard to imagine a life without autism. It's hard to think that I was once of those people who did not know how special needs parents did it. Yet here I am, and autism is  very real thing in my life. Sometimes it is this thing that plagues my child, and other times I can see the beauty in it.

I have found that as far as my social life goes, I tend to keep my circle small. It consists of other special needs mothers. These are people who know what I go through. I do not have to fear their judgment. If I laugh hysterically at nothing or if I cry, they will laugh with me, cry with my, be there for me. They help bring a sense of "normal" to my life.

My mentality....this is something that I have struggled with posting. I see myself as unbelievably strong. I tend to be somewhat prideful about my strength. I have a "suck it up" personality. I do not let things lick me. Over the past few months, I have found that life has caught up with me. I have been in survival mode for so very long. My body just could not keep up anymore. I finally let go of my pride, and saw my doctor about anxiety. So here I am on anxiety meds. I am not sure how I feel about it. I struggle with the fact that I have had t resort to medication. I know that is a ridiculous mind set that I need to get over. There is nothing wrong with being on medication. My pride has taken a small beating. I will say that I have seen vast improvement with the medication, and I am beginning to feel like myself again. Many people close to me do not even know this. So surprise to all those who have no clue! As always I am an amazing actress.

So there you have my tell all. This I where I am. This is me right now, and I am learning to be okay with that.

Standing For Something

On February 13, 2015,  the little town of Holton, Kansas received a visit from Governor Brownback. I am sure many in this small town saw it an honor. Not me. I saw it as another excuse for him to spill his lies. With the help of three other moms I organized a protest. We dressed in red (for public education) and we raised one hand, It was one of the most moving experiences of my life. In those moments, I knew I was standing for something. I was standing for my child and other children in Kansas. 

After, the governor held his question and answer session, we went outside to continue our protest. An old cattle farmer came out and told us that we were selfish. It was really hurtful to hear that. Hear I am making a statement to The Governor because I want what is best for my child, and you call me selfish. I only want my child to have the best in life. I want her to have a good education and to be successful. Am I really selfish for wanting that?
We managed to make news throughout the state. Here are some of the links:

MSC News: http://www.mscnews.net/news/index.cfm?nk=46056#.VN6KZXl4gSs.facebook

Capital Journal: http://m.cjonline.com/news/business/2015-02-13/education-taxes-regulations-come-brownback-listening-tour#gsc.tab=0

Hutchinson News: http://www.hutchnews.com/news/local_state_news/brownback-speaks-in-holton/article_48b39b21-f5cd-595e-8e8b-0912ef48626d.html#.VN6WHhFkzoc.facebook

Kansas First News: http://ksnt.com/2015/02/13/upset-over-cuts-to-education-protesters-turn-their-backs-on-gov-brownback/