Deep thoughts on my Thursday. I've spent the day lazing my p.j.s and nursing a sick child back to health. Days like today give me time to think. I guess you could say this post will be my tell all. I want to talk about where I am in all of this, and the person that I have become.
First and foremost, I feel that I have become an advocate. I have always been passionate about things that are close to my heart. When I latch onto something I grasp it and hold on as tightly as possible. I have learned how to advocate for others. I have learned to advocate for my children. I know that in some ways I am still getting my toes wet. Often times, I have to step back from the situation before I let my temper get the better of me. I am learning.
Secondly, I have found that I have mostly completed the grieving process that comes with a major diagnosis. I still have my days. Things still sting from time to time. I don't know that this is ever something you completely come to terms with. I think I have just learned how to adjust my life and my way of thinking.
I think that I am more compassionate to those in similar situations. The unfortunate side to this is that I am sometimes bitter to people with typically developing children. I am learning to let things slide. Everything for me seems to be a learning curve.
Next, the hard stuff. Emotionally, I am still sensitive. Random things set me off. I never know when or what it will be. It usually comes at me through the dark. I sometimes cry at night, in bathroom stalls at Walmart, in my car...just wherever it happens. Sometimes it is hard to imagine a life without autism. It's hard to think that I was once of those people who did not know how special needs parents did it. Yet here I am, and autism is very real thing in my life. Sometimes it is this thing that plagues my child, and other times I can see the beauty in it.
I have found that as far as my social life goes, I tend to keep my circle small. It consists of other special needs mothers. These are people who know what I go through. I do not have to fear their judgment. If I laugh hysterically at nothing or if I cry, they will laugh with me, cry with my, be there for me. They help bring a sense of "normal" to my life.
My mentality....this is something that I have struggled with posting. I see myself as unbelievably strong. I tend to be somewhat prideful about my strength. I have a "suck it up" personality. I do not let things lick me. Over the past few months, I have found that life has caught up with me. I have been in survival mode for so very long. My body just could not keep up anymore. I finally let go of my pride, and saw my doctor about anxiety. So here I am on anxiety meds. I am not sure how I feel about it. I struggle with the fact that I have had t resort to medication. I know that is a ridiculous mind set that I need to get over. There is nothing wrong with being on medication. My pride has taken a small beating. I will say that I have seen vast improvement with the medication, and I am beginning to feel like myself again. Many people close to me do not even know this. So surprise to all those who have no clue! As always I am an amazing actress.
So there you have my tell all. This I where I am. This is me right now, and I am learning to be okay with that.
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