Rants of an Exhausted Momma Bear

I'm so emotionally exhausted I could scream. I am frustrated, beaten down, and worn thin. I have little patience these days for ignorance. Maybe it is the pregnancy hormones or maybe I am just flat out tired of it. I am sick of having to explain my child to people who should understand her. I am sick of fighting a constant battle. Do you know how absolutely exhausting it is to be constantly fighting or educating someone for the benefit of your child? Let me tell you, it's no picnic. Sometimes I feel like a broken record. My Lizzybug loves to ask "Why?" I am constantly answering that question in this house. I often feel like I do the same for adults. I answer the same questions, tell the same stories and, explain the ins and outs over and over and over again. It never ends.

I will continue to stand up for my daughter and others like her. As I stated in my last blog post, I truly believe that I have a God given mission. I will do everything in my power to see that my mission is carried through effectively. If there are certain people who disagree, cause friction, or have a problem with it they can feel free to remove themselves. I am to a point where I don't care. I have very little patience for those who choose to be ignorant and uneducated.

This is my autism mom rant for the night. I am mad and exhausted. Looking forward to locking my family away from the world tomorrow. If only it was something I could do more often.

A Mission

At a young ago I was around special needs children due to my aunt's occupation. I loved to help her decorate her classroom, cut out things that were laminated, and I loved to watch her work. She was (and still is) an inspiration to me of someone who loves special needs children, and goes out of her way daily to help them. I know that she spends countless hours preparing lesson plans and activities for these kids.
As I got a little older, I felt called to teach ASD children dance. I began doing research on the benefits. Most of all a deep love for those on the spectrum was instilled in me.
Then one day, my own child was diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. From the moment we received the diagnosis, I knew my Heavenly Father had a greater plan for me. I knew that he wanted me to do something with this. Until recently, I wasn't sure what. I'm still not sure exactly where this will go, but what I do know is that I am trying to put some resources in my community. I want to see play and support groups. I want to see a safe place for parents to go when they need to vent. I want a place to share tears, fears, and success. A place for parents of special needs kids to not feel afraid! That's what I want. That is my goal. I hope that what I have in the works (with the help of a new a friend) will make a difference. I'm excited to update on this over the coming months. I'm so grateful that my Heavenly Father gave me the examples and experiences early on to prepare me for this mission. He knew all along that I would need them. He knew the greater plan.

Little Sisters are awesome

One thing is certain, our Butterfly knows what her sister needs. On Sunday, we had a family get together in our home. Before it started 2 of the cousins showed up. Naturally they wanted to play with Lizzybug. She wanted to be alone, and went into her sister's room. Butterfly literally stood guard in front of the door and informed the cousins that Liz needed to be alone. Pretty impressive for a kid that just turned 3.

I am constantly amazed at how Butterfly watches out for her big sister. She knows when to leave her alone, when to pursue play, and when to tell her enough is enough. She unselfishly dedicates time to her sister. 

I do worry that one day it will become too much for her, that she will become frustrated and feel less important. I worry that she will feel as if our lives revolve around Liz's needs. I guess in a way our lives do surround Liz's needs. Our family is in a place right now where we are searching hard for and trying to find a balance there. Although, I feel we are far too early in Bug's therapy for that to be a major concern.

I do have to also give a pat on the back to Lizzybug's cousins. I know that they love her so unconditionally. It is amazing to see them all together. There is such a crazy fun love between them all. I just love it. I know that even now Lizzybug is building a support system for long after I am gone. I am glad she has her sister and her cousins.

A word about strength

A few days ago, I was chatting with a friend of almost 20 years regarding the last few years of my life. They have been filled with challenges, heart ache, and hope. She said, "Are you a diamond or something?" I'm always amazed when people tell me how strong I am. I guess I don't often feel that way.
People don't see me at my weakest. They don't see the anger, the fear, or the tears I cry. I don't always feel strong. Something I have learned about strength is we never really know how strong we are until we are put into a situation that requires us to give our everything. Suddenly, we manage to find strength that we never even knew we possessed. Strength is in each of us, and it is up to us to find it.
Life isn't always easy. My life is the perfect definition of trials. Yet somehow we all have the chance to pull ahead. The chance to embrace the challenges, learn from them, and eventually love them. Perhaps learning to love our trials is the greatest strength.
Learning to accept that my daughter had autism want easy for me. In fact, that topped every trial I had ever faced. I felt so alone and lost. I really wanted to shut myself in my room and sleep for days. Instead I leaned on my faith to find strength. Here I am just over six months later. As a mother, I feel like I have grown tremendously. Sure I still yell sometimes, sure I still make mistakes, but I'm able to better handle myself compared to six months ago. I have yet to shut myself away and sleep for days (even though I have days where that is tempting). I wake up every morning, smile for my daughter, tell her I love her, and I find the strength to fight for her in a world where she is misunderstood.