On June 27, 2013, my husband and I walked into a clinic with our oldest daughter. We had no idea that when we left our lives would be forever changed. We knew autism was on the table. Unfortunately, no amount of homework prepares you to hear those words, "Mr. And Mrs. Van Wagoner, I don't know how much you know about autism, but that is the diagnosis we are giving your daughter today." Those words are forever ingrained on my soul.
I remember the emotions. The relief of finally knowing what was wrong, the fear of the unknown, and confusion about what to do now. We felt so overwhelmed. We felt so lost. So many questions began to run through our heads. What do we do now? Where do we go for help? What will her future be like?
Over the next several months, I was angry with God. How could he do this to my family? Why us? Hadn't we had our own fair share of trials? Give it to someone else! I stopped talking to God. I did the only thing I knew how to do, I ran. I ran mile after mile, as if by some miracle each mile would take a little of the autism away.
Then one day, I had a startling revelation, this wasn't about me. This wasn't about my husband. This was about Liz. I sat there, and I envisioned her sitting with a loving Heavenly Father before she came here. I envisioned him explaining to her that she would walk this world with this obstacle. I imagined him telling her that she would not walk this path alone. He would be there, her earthly parents would be there, she would build a village of supporters, and she would be blessed. I saw Liz agreeing to this plan. It hit me like a brick. She agreed to this. She knew her path. She was willing to take it all on. And if she was willing to do that, I needed to do it,too. I needed to accept it.
Obviously, I have no idea how things played out in what we Mormons refer to as the pre existence (belief we existed before we came to Earth), but I like to think Heavenly Father was open with us about what we would face on this earth.
I still struggle sometimes. I still have days where I'm not sure I can make it another day. I still cry. I still question myself. One thing I have stopped doing is questioning Heavenly Father. I have come to realize and accept that this is his plan, and I need to embrace this. The diagnosis didn't change who my daughter was. It opened up a new world for her and for us. The way our life was forever changed was for the better. The past several months have been absolutely beautiful. I have watched my daughter learn and grow. I have watched her mind expand as she experiences therapy. I have had my heart touched over and over again. I have felt my faith in a loving Heavenly Father grow. I have been driven to my knees in thankfulness. I have watched my family grow closer together. I have new friends. I have built a village. I have learned that no matter how alone we may feel, we are never alone. I have learned life never turns out how we expect.
All of this is beautiful. Every second I have with my daughter is a gift. Every word she speaks, every puzzle she assembles, all of it is absolutely beautiful. I will never forget the most remarkable, life changing, beautiful words ever spoken to me,"Mr. And Mrs. Van Wagoner, I don't know how much you know about autism, but that is the diagnosis we are giving your daughter today." This life is ours to embrace, this diagnosis is ours to embrace. Love every minute and it will be worth it. Because of ASD I have been blessed beyond measure.
Thank you, Bug, for teaching me to live.
No comments:
Post a Comment